WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO AND DON'T FORGIVE
COLOSSIANS 3.12-13
JULY 27, 2008
WESLEY UNITED METHODIST CHURCH
Douglas Norris
He
was one of the most earnest religious seekers in the congregation.
He joined every study group, participated in almost every event the
church offered; yet he remained unfulfilled, even miserable. He was
driven. He lacked joy. One day he told his story to the pastor, and
confessed how angry he was with his business partner who had misused
company money, and had forced the company into bankruptcy some
fifteen years before. For fifteen years, he had been unable to
forgive his partner. For fifteen years, he was unable to give up his
anger and experience forgiveness, joy, or peace.
I'm
beginning a series of messages on a topic that many find
difficult—forgiveness. This morning we will look at what happens
when you do and when you don't forgive.
But,
first, what is forgiveness? According to Webster, “To forgive is
to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; to stop being
angry with, to pardon, to overlook.”
There
are four types of forgiveness.
1)
Forgiveness by God. Are you looking for God's forgiveness?
Forgiveness
of ourselves. Have you forgiven yourself?
Forgiveness
by others. Are
there people from whom you need to ask forgiveness? Have you hurt
someone intentionally or unintentionally? Have you let someone
down, failed to fulfill a promise, were not there when they needed
you? Did you say something you are sorry you said? Is there a
strain on the relationship?
Forgiveness
of others. Do you need to forgive someone who has wronged you?
Have you been hurt? Has someone said something about you that hurt?
Have you been let down? Have you been mistreated, abused? Are you
angry? Do you have your hands around someone's throat? A graphic,
powerful image from The Shack, by William Young? The
businessman, for fifteen years, had his hands around his partner's
throat.
Consider
what happens when we aren't forgiven and/or when we don't forgive.
When
we don't forgive there is loss
of control.
The man who would not forgive his partner gave power to his partner
and allowed himself to be controlled by anger and resentment. Not
forgiving might also lead to addiction—allowing alcohol or drugs or
sex to take control, to have power over us. Not forgiving and losing
control diminishes one's self-respect and self-esteem, allowing
others to manipulate and demand that they are served, that their
needs are dominant. Abused persons who have been unable to forgive
struggle with feelings of impotence, lack of self-worth and the
inability to love. They have lost control, are not in charge of
their lives, and are unable to live to their fullest potential.
Because they have been abused and hurt, they are afraid no one will
love them so they pretend to be someone they are not.
When
we don't forgive, relationships
are crippled.
My father-in-law refused to speak to his older sister. He accused
her of taking undue advantage of their father by taking the farm and
disinheriting her siblings. He refused to forgive her. For 35
years, he did not speak to her; but, he did go to her funeral!
When
we don't forgive, there are health
problems.
Research shows that resentment and lack of forgiveness raises blood
pressure, depletes immune function, makes us more easily depressed,
causes enormous stress to the body, and prevents us from losing
weight.
When
we don't forgive, we are oppressed
by guilt.
Absorbed, paralyzed by guilt.
When
we don't forgive, there is
spiritual bankruptcy.
We simply cannot grow spiritually if our hearts are polluted with
resentment, envy, anger, jealousy, judgment, criticism or any other
form of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness breaks our relationship with
God. We try to pray and run into a brick wall. We dip into the
well of our spiritual reserves and there is nothing there.
What
happens when there is no forgiveness is loss of control, crippled
relationships, health problems, oppressive guilt, and spiritual
bankruptcy.
That's
enough negative! Let's look at what happens when we experience
forgiveness. To refresh your memory, there are four acts of
forgiveness: Forgiveness by God, forgiveness of ourselves,
forgiveness by others, and forgiveness of others. Consider now the
benefits of forgiveness.
Forgiveness
promotes better
health.
When we experience forgiveness, we will have better health. Blood
pressure will decrease. Immune function will be strengthened. There
will be less stress, less depression, and we might even lose weight!
Forgiveness
prevents
cancer.
Yes, it has been shown that cancer has its beginnings in unresolved
grief or trauma approximately 5-7 years prior to the onset of the
disease. Forgiveness can interrupt the progress of cancer.
Forgiveness
produces more
energy.
It takes an enormous amount of energy to hang on to repressed
feelings like anger, blame, resentment, disappointment, need for
revenge, etc. When forgiveness is experienced, an incredible amount
of energy is released that then becomes available for living our
lives as God intended.
Forgiveness
promotes freedom.
Forgiveness results in freedom from the pain of the past, freedom
from the weight of emotional baggage, freedom to be who we truly
are, and freedom to build relationships based on love and mutual
respect.
Forgiveness
produces power.
When we forgive, we take back power from those we had given it to,
and we are empowered to create the life we want.
Forgiveness
promotes spiritual
growth.
Forgiveness is taught, but largely ignored, by every major religion.
Jesus taught us to forgive others as we are forgiven. In the
Scripture lesson read today, Colossians 3.13, Paul wrote, “Forgive
each other just as the Lord has forgiven you.” Judaism's holy
days—Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur call for atonement. Atonement
means to be reconciled with God, to be forgiven by God. Buddhism
calls for ceaseless empathy and compassion towards everyone,
especially enemies. The Hindu religious text, the Bhagavad Gita,
says, “If you want to see the brave, look for those who can love in
return for hatred.” In the Koran, the angel Gabriel tells Mohammed
to set aside vengeful anger. Don't we wish Al Qaeda were Muslims who
believed and practiced setting aside vengeance!
The
benefits of forgiveness include better health, cancer prevention,
more energy, freedom, power and spiritual growth.
During
a Walk to Emmaus weekend (the Walk is a spiritual walk, not a
physical walk), a woman told me about the heavy burden she was
carrying-- a load of guilt. It was affecting her family, her job,
her church work. She was very active in her church, but there was no
joy. She was too ashamed of herself. Before her marriage, she had
an abortion. The memory was killing her. I asked her if her husband
knew about it. She said, “Yes.” I asked her if she believed God
had forgiven her. “Yes,” she said,"but, I can't forgive
myself.” I encouraged her to give her guilt to God, to let it go,
to accept God's forgiveness. In the Walk to Emmaus, there is a
ritual that helps people give up their burdens. I encouraged her
to participate wholeheartedly. I said, “Let the guilt go, and
don't take it back. Give it to God and let it go.” She did, and
the joy in her face, her uproarious laughter, and spontaneous hugs
testified to her new life. She knew she was forgiven, and she had
forgiven herself.
What
happens when you do and when you don't forgive has far reaching
consequences. Next Sunday, let's further consider: WHAT TO DO WITH
GUILT.
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